In context of my location…

June 16th, 2008 | by admin |

 

http://www.metrolyrics.com/move-away-jimmy-blue-lyrics-del-amitri.html  

I’ve been “home” for a week now. I can’t say it’s been easy. The first couple of days were low as I slipped back in to the routine of silently seething about being back in Ayr. I was indifferent to begin with - then I went from being in a chipper mood about what is going down in the next few months in Leicester, to being a right mardy cow about everything. I suppose, to be fair on myself, I have been met with nothing but drama after drama after insult after bitchiness after drama after drama - like it’s all been saved up for me coming back up the road, eventually it grinds you down and you can’t see anything in front of you apart from bleakness and backstabbing - and I’m worried that I’m getting far too good at articulating my feelings about the place.

The next couple of days I decided that the only way I was going to be able to be able to cope was to cut out the crap, hide out and mooch with my best friend - gradually building up an existing network of people who were also hiding out from the small town banality. From then on, by hiding out at my parents (who are on holiday - bless, they need it, stress wagons they are…) I’ve managed to lift myself out of my usual “anti-ayr” vibe and just get on with it for what it is. This is probably because I’m off to Glasgow for a few days escape - which always (temporary) puts me in the mood. I’ve not been able to think about a drop of uni work because I’ve been heeing and hawing about how I can’t possibly seem to fit in the town I spent nearly 21 years in and contemplating what would have happened if I didn’t decide to be a mad crazy lady and move to Leicester on a whim. (My mum sent me that song above when I first arrived in Leicester and I burst into tears…)

The reason I’m sharing this piece of personal, trivial (almost angst ridden) nonsense?

It bloody fascinates me why it’s so much different to me that living in Leicester is. Despite not being that much different at all.

It could be the mentality of the town - or the area - or the country. It could be who I associated with in the past, or perhaps the burden of people knowing you from when you were younger - “Ah no yer father” attitude. It could be because there is nothing to do and there are no jobs. It could be that there is fear of over achieving because nobody likes a smart arse. It could be that people don’t like to see other people being happy and we are all living in a state of tentativeness - poised to defend our uselessness, an installed feeling of catholic guilt.

I don’t if it is because it is me - or if it is the town. I’m sure there is a gang of people who would say the same thing about Leicester. 

I think these sort of thoughts inspire my research. I’m totally and utterly obsessed with trying to articulate why people are the way they are with other people. 

I’m back in Leicester next Monday - all regular broadcasting will be resumed. It’s good to see friends and the past - it’s better to focus on the now and the future. I can’t deal with town’s attitude anymore. I can’t help but feel like I tried though.

Viewing 2 Comments

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    Ayr sounds like Market Harborough, which is pretty much the epitome of small town tedium.

    I try to avoid going into the town centre to actively avoid having to make the awkward decision about whether to acknowledge or ignore people I recognise because everyone knows everyone... Ignore them and there's the guilt of feeling rude as technically you know them, and they know you... say something and you might get drawn into the most awkward conversation in the world: "So what have you been doing since... the last day of school... Not that we spoke to each other back then anyway." (Maybe I'm just appalling at light conversation?)

    Its all a bit claustrophobic and (figuratively, as far as I'm aware) incestuous, really.
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    Yeah possibly - I'm a Leicester cheerleader though (because Ayr is actually THAT bad!) - Ayr is the end of the tracks from the city, you hit Ayr and the train goes no further. There is over 50 dead shops in a high street of about 70-80. All the factories are closed or are closing. The midlands is slightly different due to its location and its lack of scottish nationalist government....

    Very claustrophobic - and VERY incestuous. I could elaborate but it is "jay jay ayr" googling season according to google analytics. ;-) I wonder what people do when I ain't in town to piss them off...

    I am not a popular person here. I get up idiots noses - quite spectacularly, I hear. Ideally I want to go to Leicester and never return so I don't need to live up to my reputation of not being arsed about anything...

    The strangest thing about living in Leicester? Not having to CONSTANTLY fight to prove that I'm more than just another pleb - or put myself down because some people don't like me talking too "clever". It's a total headf&*k! I can't handle people being nice to me!

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